Sometimes I want people to know my story. But because I try not to make it a big deal or express our story in the fear that people will take it as a way to make others feel sorry for us or think we are making excuses, I don’t share unless someone asks… and even then, I leave out ALL the details. But right now I have chosen to share with you.
What did you do this week? Were you so stressed because you had a huge test to study for? Were you tired because you had to wake up early and mow the lawn?
What did I do this week? What did my dad do this week? What did my mom do yesterday and today and days past since 2006?
This week I rode with my mom and dad to the hospital in Tampa to get her results from her biopsy. My mother is an ongoing cancer fighter and fighting she has done with such humble strength! She has been battling cancer for 6 years now and has gone through several rounds of chemotherapy, surgery, and radiation. She has cried her share of tears; we all have. The results were not what we hoped for, what we prayed for, what we wanted. But life isn’t about getting what you want; it’s about getting what you need. It’s about getting what is the best for your life and others. And when you become so scared to close your eyes at night because you are scared your mother won’t be there when you wake up, you realize what you want is what is needed. You want what is best for others. So we received the news that yes, she has cancer again and the doctor talked about all the options.
It was such a long day on the road as we made pit stops on the way home to gather decorations for a funeral for one of my dad’s good friends. My dad was put in charge of the reception so we had to buy a lot of ingredients to make desserts. We bought tablecloths, decorations, paint, etc. on the way home from the hospital. As the day seemed to get longer and longer, I felt my headache getting worse and worse. When we arrived home 12 hours later, my head hurt so bad, I could barely swallow because my throat hurt, and I had a fever of 101.8. But we had to work to do. My dad had a funeral to prepare, and he realized there were some things he forgot at the store, so I drive to Publix to pick up more milk, creamer, brown sugar, etc. My mom has no time to rest… she is busy baking all sorts of desserts. My dad barely has anytime to mourn, he is busy making the food, decorating the tables, etc for Wednesday’s funeral. I help him decorate by putting rocks into the candle jars and placing ribbon around them. And I’m thinking to myself, “Wow my dad is such a great man. But why did he get put in charge of the reception for the death of his friend at the same time we find out my mom has cancer again?” I don’t know anyone else who can do this without complaining or wanting credit. But he doesn’t complain and if anyone knows my dad, you know that he will never take credit or brag about his accomplishments.
I have a huge midterm exam to study for but am so tired and can barely read because my head hurts. Not to mention the thoughts racing through my mind about my mom’s cancer and not having a lot of time because I’m still helping my parents with preparing for the reception. But that’s ok because I know my help means a lot to my parents and even more so to the family who just witnessed a loss in their life.
So this weekend I went with my parents to the hospital to receive the results from my mom’s biopsy… She has cancer…again. I got sick with a fever and even had to miss class (which I NEVER miss class), had a huge test to study for, and helped my dad prepare a reception for a funeral of a wonderful man that he was good friends with. But if you ask me what I did this weekend, I’ll say something like, “oh I was really busy and studied for a test, wrote a song on my guitar.” If you ask how I am I’ll say something like this, “I’m good, I’m feeling a lot better now. Thanks.” But when I ask a friend if they want to hang out and they say they can’t because they are just SO busy studying for a test… remember that someone has a lot more to do than study for a test. I studied and I did a lot a more than just that. And maybe I just need a break from all that is going in my life and want to have a little laugh. Remember next time you complain about your lawn. My dad has a lot more to worry about than stressing about whether his grass is green. He has to miss so many days of work because of his wife’s cancer that he often has to go in on the weekends to make up for his missed workdays. He has bigger worries.
But I am fine. I promise I am. I struggle a lot but that doesn’t mean I’m not happy, or that my joy is taken away every time I struggle. It’s not; it’s still here. But I do struggle since my mom has had cancer. I struggle a lot. I struggle with being perfect. I struggle with trying to not make mistakes. I struggle with trying to please everyone around me. My struggles can be made into strengths and they have, they are with the help and love of God. God is here. I can breathe.
Flashback: it’s 2008 and I’m eating dinner with my family on a Sunday night in the back yard. My sister and her boyfriend are here. My brother and his fiancé too. My dad smoked some barbeque and my mom set out a game of “Things” on the picnic table. The wind is gently blowing and it’s still light out even though it is past 7 o’clock. We joke, laugh, and play games. But then the morning comes, only it’s not as light out as I think it should be. I’m now dealing with my first heartbreak. I’m in 11th grade. My mom has just received the bad news; she has cancer. I’m crying because I gave all of myself to a boy who didn’t love me. I’m crying because my mother who is supposed to be there for me can’t. She has a tragedy of her own. So I cry even more because I don’t want to see her cry. I don’t want to see her hurt. She doesn’t deserve this. We are a Christian family who loves God but we didn’t practice prayer. We didn’t practice walking by his side daily and acknowledging him with every breath. My mom did that and I tried to do that. But with cancer my family tried it out, my sister, brother, me, and dad. We all tried something new: “Let’s cling to God.” So we did and man did that change our lives.
TO BE CONTINUED
